Standing in the Light

I often browse these blog archives to see what was holding my attention a year ago, two years ago, and even three years ago to the day. I like to discover how my perspective and perception changes over time. On May 3, 2009 I wrote an entry entitled, "I've got your back."

At the time I wrote this particular entry some of the founding members of the fledgling ecommerce site, Bonanzle (later renamed Bonanza) were wondering out loud if management might not have the best interests of its dedicated founding members as a priority...

Many people were beginning to question why a working checkout system and improved search was not being implemented (after 8 months of troubleshooting and serious trouble) in favor of games, distractions and other features which could never improve (and have not improved) the bottom line for sellers without basic functionality in place.

As it became clear that management would not respond directly, but rather issue condescending remarks which gave way to threats and ultimately to censorship of the questions, it was apparent that the working trust had been broken. The game had changed. A general uneasiness, a sense of conflict, suspicion, and alert was widespread. And as sellers were being singled out and picked off, I wanted everyone to know... I saw it and I would stand with them. And so the blog.

My perspective and perception has not changed over time. I will stand, fully illuminated. For you, and for me.

Recently a client asked me for input and help to figure out whether she should feel as violated and hurt as she did in a relationship... was she making a big deal out of nothing, being too sensitive, overreacting? And it occurred to me that we all do this. I did this. We give the benefit of the doubt even as our skin prickles. We freeze in place even as we get the fight or flight signal from our reptilian brains which are still wired to save our lives.

Our feelings are neither good nor bad, they just ARE, so however you feel, you need to honor those feelings. That is your reality. If I am sensing danger, I need to respect that and then examine why... but because I like to avoid confrontation sometimes I just say I am okay with it... I'll just play nice and stuff my feelings...

I'll use my socially-conditioned, friend-seeking, fan-building, people-pleasing skills and numb and dumb myself down into socially-acceptable sleep. And then I wake up and stop it.

I think that we're really seeking is permission to feel what we feel. That was what my client really wanted from me. Validation of her feelings, permission to wake up out of the darkness of deep sleep and say "NO!"

You are the only one who can give yourself that permission to stand in the light of your truth and your feelings, and you are also the only one who can deny yourself that permission. Getting back to the real situation, we teach people how to treat us. If you accept the behavior and elect not to express the true depth of your feelings candidly, you are in essence teaching this person that they may disrespect you by doing it again.

Respect yourself and others will too. It is never okay for anyone to treat you disrespectfully.

If I let someone get away with such behavior, then I think it is actually me who becomes the one who is guilty of disrespecting myself. If I am surrounded by darkness, its because I turned off the light.

And so my advice was this: Always strive to treat yourself, your feelings, and your integrity as you would that of a beloved and respected true friend. You are that true friend. I understand this urge to people-please, and I also understand how damaging it is to one's own spirit.

There's great joy in having someone stand up for you. But it feels even better when you yourself are the one doing it. Learn to seek validation from the only source that really matters, your very own self.
Saying NO can be the biggest YES you'll ever feel!

May you be blessed!

image credit: sherdog.net

Views from the edge

“Nothing is given to man on Earth - struggle is built into the nature of life. The hero is the man who lets no obstacle prevent him from pursuing the values he has chosen.” –Andrew Bernstein

"Now after all this struggle, where do I go?"
I'm seeing some soul searching, finally.

I have been watching the "experts and chosen ones" deliberately taking advantage of the weary and down-trodden and leading them down a treacherous path to "success" that instinctively feels wrong, is most certainly self-defeating, and and could be financially suicidal. There was, by design, a ready following for these directives... And even as their own hearts were urging them to stop and reflect on the path, and find their own light, the self-proclaimed experts said they knew the way.

I agree, it might feel safer to trust the experts, at least for a minute or two. But it is safer to know who YOU are and trust your own instincts. Hold true to your own values. And make your own mistakes if need be.

It occurred to me that it is not the hard work, the perseverance, or the patience required to succeed that eventually turns the heart to weariness – and perhaps finally bitterness and resentment– but the grieving of the values that have been compromised along the way.

There is great power in accepting what is, rather than wishing for something different. If in the quest for transforming your circumstances, a sense of desperation and struggle has been born, or you've been lead to a place that doesn't feel right, I say, "Stop! Breathe. Think. Feel."

Re-connect with your values. Let those values be the beacon that lights your way. Align with them and you will work smarter, not harder.

Accept where you are in this moment, even if it's scary. It is a beginning point. Put aside the blame. I's not the economy, its not what has been done to you, or what hasn't been done for you. It's not what you expected. OK.

Accepting and blessing our circumstances is a powerful tool for transformation. In fact, this potent combination can work miracles in our lives.

What is acceptance? Acceptance is surrendering to what is: our circumstances, our feelings, our problems, our financial status, our work, our health, our relationships with other people, the delay of our dreams.

Before we can change anything in our life we have to recognize that this is the way it's meant to be right now.

Believe that you came to this edge to learn to fly, because there is no going backwards. Find your own wings in the closed eyes of prayer and meditation, perhaps even the quiet tears. Everything is going to turn out all right. This is simply part of the journey. Say it aloud. Write it down.

Over the years I have discovered that much of my struggle to be content despite whatever outside circumstances have arisen, is when I stubbornly resisted what was actually happening in my life at the present moment. But I have also learned that when I surrender to the reality of a particular situation – when I don't continue to resist, but accept, a resonance occurs.

Suddenly I am able to open up to receive all the goodness and abundance available to me because acceptance brings with it so much relief and release. It's as if the steam of struggle has been allowed to escape from life's pressure cooker.

What happens when we accept our circumstances? Well, first of all, we relax. Next we change our vibration, our energy pattern, and the rate of our heartbeat. Once again we're able to tap into the boundless positive energy of the Universe. Acceptance also illuminates reality so that we're better able to see the our own way...

"When you come to the edge of all the light you have known, and are about to step out into darkness, faith is knowing one of two things will happen; There will be something to stand on, or you will be taught to fly." –Jonathan Livingston Seagull

Today, have faith in yourself and in your own wisdom.

May you be blessed!