Standing in the Light

I often browse these blog archives to see what was holding my attention a year ago, two years ago, and even three years ago to the day. I like to discover how my perspective and perception changes over time. On May 3, 2009 I wrote an entry entitled, "I've got your back."

At the time I wrote this particular entry some of the founding members of the fledgling ecommerce site, Bonanzle (later renamed Bonanza) were wondering out loud if management might not have the best interests of its dedicated founding members as a priority...

Many people were beginning to question why a working checkout system and improved search was not being implemented (after 8 months of troubleshooting and serious trouble) in favor of games, distractions and other features which could never improve (and have not improved) the bottom line for sellers without basic functionality in place.

As it became clear that management would not respond directly, but rather issue condescending remarks which gave way to threats and ultimately to censorship of the questions, it was apparent that the working trust had been broken. The game had changed. A general uneasiness, a sense of conflict, suspicion, and alert was widespread. And as sellers were being singled out and picked off, I wanted everyone to know... I saw it and I would stand with them. And so the blog.

My perspective and perception has not changed over time. I will stand, fully illuminated. For you, and for me.

Recently a client asked me for input and help to figure out whether she should feel as violated and hurt as she did in a relationship... was she making a big deal out of nothing, being too sensitive, overreacting? And it occurred to me that we all do this. I did this. We give the benefit of the doubt even as our skin prickles. We freeze in place even as we get the fight or flight signal from our reptilian brains which are still wired to save our lives.

Our feelings are neither good nor bad, they just ARE, so however you feel, you need to honor those feelings. That is your reality. If I am sensing danger, I need to respect that and then examine why... but because I like to avoid confrontation sometimes I just say I am okay with it... I'll just play nice and stuff my feelings...

I'll use my socially-conditioned, friend-seeking, fan-building, people-pleasing skills and numb and dumb myself down into socially-acceptable sleep. And then I wake up and stop it.

I think that we're really seeking is permission to feel what we feel. That was what my client really wanted from me. Validation of her feelings, permission to wake up out of the darkness of deep sleep and say "NO!"

You are the only one who can give yourself that permission to stand in the light of your truth and your feelings, and you are also the only one who can deny yourself that permission. Getting back to the real situation, we teach people how to treat us. If you accept the behavior and elect not to express the true depth of your feelings candidly, you are in essence teaching this person that they may disrespect you by doing it again.

Respect yourself and others will too. It is never okay for anyone to treat you disrespectfully.

If I let someone get away with such behavior, then I think it is actually me who becomes the one who is guilty of disrespecting myself. If I am surrounded by darkness, its because I turned off the light.

And so my advice was this: Always strive to treat yourself, your feelings, and your integrity as you would that of a beloved and respected true friend. You are that true friend. I understand this urge to people-please, and I also understand how damaging it is to one's own spirit.

There's great joy in having someone stand up for you. But it feels even better when you yourself are the one doing it. Learn to seek validation from the only source that really matters, your very own self.
Saying NO can be the biggest YES you'll ever feel!

May you be blessed!

image credit: sherdog.net

Sweeter than honey. Thank you, Oshun!

Recently, almost simultaneously, two separate and very different projects took directions I did not anticipate. In fact I never could have expected it, as both projects were presented as creative, intelligent, community-driven alternatives to the failures of outdated models. As a visionary full of hope, I was wildly excited to participate in the creation processes. Both projects were framed by concepts of cooperation, unity, with humility and honor as cornerstones. Naturally, I rolled up my sleeves and jumped right in. Sharing my gifts freely, I recruited associates to assist as well as the concepts began to materialize into structures.

And build we did. But the day came (and maybe even the same day!) that both structures began supporting practices I cannot, and will not, defend as honorable. Eeeww! Well, that's some karma back on me, for sure. Knowing there must be a lesson here, gift-wrapped with my name on the tag, I went searching. By canoe of course, in the tradition of the old ones!

At first I thought the lesson was about trust. In trust, something was given now, an exchange and a commitment, in hope of getting something back in the future. Trusting is enabling other people to take advantage of you—but expecting that they won't. But people will, and do, so you forgive them and move on. Been there, done that, I knew there was more!

I live an abundant life and I'm good at sharing. My kids are too. I teach and I expect that we can all attract abundance by simply conducting ourselves and our lives in an open-handed, open-hearted manner. Yet, here I was, about to swallow the bitter pill of disappointment. Worse, I was feeling the ugly tug of resentment because my ample generosity was not met with the expected results. But that's not how it is supposed to work! I should have been tasting the sweet honey of a life lived well!

Thankfully, clarity dawned with a bit more meditation, Oshun's blessings, and long paddles along the shoreline with my big, wet dog...

The sweetness of life. I taste that honey as I contemplate the results my charitable actions may have on the lives of others in places like Kenya and Tibet. These are people I will never meet, and who will never thank me. Here, I receive the greatest gifts in return for my kindness. My heart opens, my spirit soars, I deepen, I am one of us. Why? Because here I give with no expectation.

Ooohhh, aha! (love it!) When the gifts we give are laden down with expectations, they cease to be "gifts" and become "units" of exchange that we are, in effect, trading for some reward. Thus, the reciprocal laws of the greater, joyful, creative universe err on the side of the giver who truly shares for the sake of sharing! All else is simply a business deal. If I am disappointed in the direction of the projects I worked on, it is only because I didn't have a signed contract expressly stipulating all terms. I was never clear on the conditions. My bad. Next time. Business is business. And, I like to be in control of my business.

But giving is love!

And loving is about relinquishing control! Now and forever more, if I have trouble divesting myself of my expectations, I can realize am not acting in the true spirit of giving. I am working. And each time I do gift, whether in spiritual or tangible ways, I will ask myself if there is something I hope to receive in return. I will see what truly is.

Knowing this, giving becomes a profound joy that stands alone, separate from any and all conditions. I appreciate the flow of reciprocal abundance as a gift in and of itself. When we let go of the notion that we deserve to receive gifts based on giving gifts, real bounty – the kind that sends your spirit soaring – can once again flow freely in and out of our lives. Sweeter than honey. Thank you, Oshun.

I made a donation to Heifer this morning, and I don't know what will be done with it... bees, seeds, a water buffalo? I do not need to. I gave it with love!

May you be blessed!

"I've got your back."

I am assuring you that I am watching out for you. I'm making sure you are safe because I am watching what's behind you when you're busy looking ahead.

"I've got your back." It's an expression of trust.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about trust. Meditating, watching, learning. Essentially, you will trust me because you have experienced my trustworthiness and because you have faith in human nature, and I will trust you similarly. But trust is tricky because it is both an emotional and logical act.

I also "feel" trust. When I identify emotions of companionship, friendship, agreement, relaxation, and comfort, I feel trust.

Emotionally, it is where I expose my vulnerabilities to people, but believe they will not take advantage of my openness. And logically, it is where I have assessed the probabilities of gain and loss, and concluded that the person (or group) in question will behave in a predictable manner.

So trust means being able to "predict" what other people will do in the situations that may occur. If we can surround ourselves with people we trust, then we can create a fertile present and an even better future. But sometimes trust means making an exchange and commitment when we don't have full knowledge about them, their intent, and the things they are offering to us. That's when I rely on those feelings. Only if they are present, may I proceed.

In trust, something is given now but the return is paid back some time in the future. Feeling trust now becomes particularly important, because otherwise we are giving something for nothing. The delay we have placed in the reciprocal arrangement adds a high level of uncertainty which we need to mitigate through trust. And as long as the feelings of companionship, friendship, agreement, relaxation, and comfort flow, I can feel safe in my relationship.

When we trust other people, we are not only giving them something in hope of getting something else back in the future, we are also exposing ourselves in a way that they can take advantage of our vulnerabilities. So trusting is enabling other people to take advantage of you—but expecting that they won't.

I don't need to watch my back around those I trust. But I do need to trust you to watch out for me when I'm focused forward, forging ahead, blazing the trail for both of us. And you need to trust me not to change direction without telling you I've lost the compass. You don't expect me to change the rules of our relationship. You don't expect me to take advantage of your generous nature, or your willingness to wait for reciprocity. You don't expect to feel abandonment, conflict, suspicion, alert, or discomfort.

So think about trust, meditate on how it works, and carefully, consciously build it. Feel for companionship, friendship, agreement, relaxation, and comfort. Let others know you've got their back. If you do, people will give you the world. But know as well, that if you betray trust, sooner or later you will be haunted to the ends of the earth by the ghosts of your conscience. Trust is a sacred bond.
May you be blessed.